It's a Hard Squish: Estate Planning for the Sandwich Generation

By Emilee K. Lawson Hatch, Esq., www.lawsonhatch.com

Everyone who walks through our doors is going through something.  In my trusts and estates practice here in Central New York, no two families' situations look quite the same.  Different ages, different diagnoses, different histories, different houses full of different things.  But for the folks who are in the middle of aging parents and raising children at the same time, I hear the same handful of things.

I'm fine.  I'm just tired.  There's a lot going on right now.

Then we start talking about their actual week, and it turns out they are driving a parent to dialysis on Tuesdays, signing a permission slip on Wednesday, fielding a call from an assisted living facility about a "care plan meeting," and still have not opened last month's mail from their own doctor.  They are not disorganized.  They are being squeezed from both directions at once, and nobody warned them how much of that squeeze would show up as paperwork.

For many families, the squeeze has a third side.  When one of the children in the middle of all this has special needs, the parenting does not wind down at eighteen; it just changes shape.  The IEP meeting lands on the same calendar as the care plan meeting, and underneath everything sits one question: who takes care of my child when I can’t?  These families are planning for three generations at once, and the cost of a mistake is higher.  A well-meaning grandparent who leaves money outright to a grandchild with a disability can unintentionally jeopardize the SSI or Medicaid benefits that child depends on.  And a parent who has always made decisions for their child may be surprised to learn that at eighteen, that authority ends unless the right documents, or a guardianship, are in place.  A supplemental needs trust, coordinated with the grandparents' plans and your own, can protect that child for a lifetime.

That is the sandwich generation, and it can be a hard place to be.  Love is not the problem.  The problem is that caring for someone and having legal authority to act for them are two different things.  There is a gap, and the best time to fill it is in advance.

Love does not come with instructions attached

There are two blind spots.  The first is timing.  The second is documentation.  Left alone, they compound each other, and by the time there is a crisis, there often is not time to fix either one properly.

Timing: Most people plan for their parents' care the way they plan for their own retirement, which is something to think about "when it gets closer."  But capacity does not send a save-the-date.  A fall, a stroke, a diagnosis, a bad week that turns into a bad month; these things arrive on their own schedule, and they tend to arrive exactly when a parent's legal documents are most out of date, or do not exist at all.

By the time a family calls me in a crisis, the conversation may have changed from whether Mom is updating her health care proxy to Mom can no longer legally sign anything.  When that happens, we are in Surrogate's Court asking a judge to appoint a guardian.  The situation becomes slower, more expensive, more public.

The same clock is running for all the people who depend on you.  If something happens to you before your own plan is in place, a court, not you, may end up deciding who cares for your minor children or a relative with special needs.

Documentation: Ask an adult child what documents their parent has and you will often hear "I think she has a will."  A will does nothing while someone is alive, and is only usable after they have died.  You cannot act for someone you have no legal authority to act for, no matter how close you are to them.  What actually protects a parent during a health crisis or cognitive decline is a Power of Attorney and a Health Care Proxy, done in advance.  New York's Power of Attorney has strict signing and witnessing requirements, and banks reject documents that miss them.  An attorney makes sure your documents will work when someone hands it across the counter.

The caregiver matters: This is also the moment sandwich-generation families realize the squeeze runs both directions. While you are scrambling to get a parent's documents in order, you may also be behind on your own Will and Trust, a Guardian nomination for your minor children, and a Power of Attorney and Health Care Proxy that name who steps in for you if something happens while you are busy holding everyone else together.  Nobody in the sandwich is exempt from needing a plan; the middle generation just tends to schedule their own last.

What families can do:

Open the conversation with logistics, not mortality. "Who do you want handling your bills if you are ever in the hospital for a few weeks?" is an easier opener with a parent than "we need to talk about what happens when you decline."

Name the alternative out loud. If there is no Power of Attorney in place and something happens, the fallback is a guardianship proceeding in court, with a judge deciding who is in charge.  That fact alone moves a lot of reluctant parents.

Make it mutual. Frame it as something the whole family does together, not something done to one person.  "We are getting our documents done too" goes a long way, and it means you are not walking out of that conversation still exposed yourself.

Plan for the financial side.  Good planning includes helping the people who may someday step in have a clear picture of the finances they will be responsible for.  A forensic accountant finds what others miss.  Partnered with an estate planning attorney, they can uncover gaps, inconsistencies, and exposure, so families can plan with awareness.  For families managing multiple generations, that can mean organizing accounts and assets, documenting ownership and sources of funds, understanding business interests and keeping records of significant transfers or financial support between family members.  In cases where finances are layered (closely held businesses, commingled accounts, informal family loans, or undocumented transfers), a forensic accountant can reconstruct the full picture.  Creating a clear record protects fiduciaries and reduces the risk of family conflict later.

Build the file before you need it. Prepare in advance so nobody is making decisions under pressure.  Every sandwich-generation family should be able to put their hands on, for both generations: a Power of Attorney and Health Care Proxy for each adult, a current Will (with a guardian designation if there are minor children), a Trust (if you desire privacy), a supplemental needs trust if a relative has a disability, and a list of accounts, advisors, and where the originals are actually kept.

Feeling prepared: There is a real difference between a plan someone made and a plan someone needed.  That is where peace comes from.  Families who do this early know the plan is theirs in their own voice, the documents are ready when they need them, and an attorney is in their corner if anything changes.

About the author: Emilee K. Lawson Hatch, Esq. is the founder of Lawson Hatch, PLLC, a boutique trusts and estates law firm serving Central New York from Syracuse, focused on estate planning, trust and estate administration, elder law, and fiduciary services for families navigating life and caregiving. www.lawsonhatch.com