She Was Never Bad with Money. She Just Wasn’t the One Managing It

 

By Rhonda Noordyk, CDFA®, CFEI, CDS | CEO & Founder, Women’s Financial Wellness Center

Almost every woman who sits down with me says some version of the same sentence in the first ten minutes.

I am terrible with money. I should have paid more attention. I should know more about this.

Then I ask her three questions about her actual life, and it turns out she runs a department, manages a household budget on an impossible number, or owns a business. She is not bad with money. More often, she simply was not the person managing every aspect of the family’s finances.

There are two gaps that show up in nearly every case I take. The first is confidence. The second is information. Left unaddressed, they can compound each other, and by the time an agreement is signed, it may be difficult to go back and fill in what was missed.

Gap one: confidence

Financial roles develop in marriages for all kinds of reasons. One spouse may handle investments while the other manages household expenses. The statements may go to one person’s email. The accountant may primarily communicate with whoever historically handled the taxes. Over years, that division of responsibility can leave one spouse feeling like she should understand more than she does.

That does not mean she failed. It means she is entering a major financial transition without having previously needed to know every piece of the financial picture.

Divorce changes that.

Suddenly, questions about deferred compensation, retirement benefits, business interests, taxes, and cash flow matter in a very different way. Attorneys are focused on the legal issues. Therapists may be helping clients navigate the emotional ones. But someone also needs to make sure the client understands the financial picture and feels comfortable asking questions about it.

That is the piece I own. And the first thing I want my clients to leave behind is the instinct to apologize for asking.

Gap two: she may not know what exists

This is where the first gap turns into a number.

Ask someone in the middle of a divorce to list the marital assets and she may immediately name the house, the joint checking account, and a 401(k). But there may be much more to understand: a pension and the coverture fraction that determines its marital portion, restricted stock that has not yet vested, deferred compensation, business interests, retained earnings, or tax returns and schedules she has never had reason to review closely.

You cannot negotiate for an asset you do not know exists.

Financial disclosure is the starting point. Depending on the complexity of the financial picture, additional analysis may also be appropriate. A business valuation, tracing analysis, or lifestyle analysis is not about assuming someone has done something wrong. It is about making sure the numbers are understood, supported, and complete enough to make informed decisions.

That is also why I do not work alone, and why I will not hand a client the name of whoever happens to be available. Every professional I put in front of a woman is a BRIDGE-Approved Strategic Partner, vetted against the CIA Method: Communication, Integrity, Advocacy. Can she explain her findings in language my client can use in a negotiation. Does the analysis hold up when it gets challenged. Will she advocate for the truth of the numbers instead of the convenience of the file. A forensic accountant who clears that bar is frequently the highest-return decision a woman makes in her entire divorce.

Two gaps, two moves

For the belief: ask the second question. Out loud, in the meeting, on the record. If you need a script, use A.N.O.T., the four-step opener I teach my clients.

•      A. Acknowledge. “Thank you for being willing to walk me through this.”

•      N. Naturally. Start with yourself. “Naturally, I want to be sure I understand what I am agreeing to.”

•      O. Obviously. Name what matters to them. “Obviously, you want this to hold up.”

•      T. The Ask. “Would you be willing to show me how that number was calculated?”

It works because it is honest, it is structured, and it keeps you calm in a room where staying calm is leverage.

For the blind spot: build the inventory before you build the argument. Five years of tax returns with every schedule and K-1 attached. Every account statement you can reach, including the ones you believe are closed. Loan applications, which tend to be the most honest documents in a marriage, because nobody understands income when they want the money. Then put all of it in front of a professional whose job is to find what is not there.

Both moves are the same first step of the BRIDGE™ Method: Breathe and Build your Team. Not because it sounds nice. Because a woman with a team stops apologizing.

Where to start, today

Neither gap closes by reading about it. It closes the first time you do one small thing differently before the next conversation.

So, start with the smallest version. I built a free 30-minute mini-course for exactly this moment: 6 Proven Steps to Advocate for a Fair Financial Divorce Settlement. It covers where to begin when the path ahead looks like fog, what to gather before anyone asks you for it, and how to tell whether the professionals around you are working for you. It is the same six-step framework I use with every client.

Get immediate access here

And if you are already deep in it, with numbers on the table that you do not trust and a deadline you did not choose, you can apply to sit down with me one on one instead. Apply here

Rhonda Noordyk, CDFA®, CFEI, CDS, is the founder of the Women’s Financial Wellness Center and the creator of the BRIDGE™ Method, a structured program for women navigating the financial side of divorce. She hosts the podcast Disrupting Divorce: Conversations for Women and is the author of Her Terms and Bold Beginnings. www.womensfinancialwellnesscenter.com